


et meminisse velim

by writerofbaddecisions



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Confessions, F/M, Letters, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:21:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25902760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writerofbaddecisions/pseuds/writerofbaddecisions
Summary: Dear Kevin,I really didn’t know how to start this letter.
Relationships: Howie "Chimney" Han & Kevin Lee, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Kudos: 5





	et meminisse velim

**Author's Note:**

> !TRIGGER WARNINGS!
> 
> SUICIDE ATTEMPT 
> 
> SUICIDAL THOUGHTS 
> 
> MENTAL ILLNESS 
> 
> PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK

_Dear Kevin,_

_I really didn’t know how to start this letter._

_I really didn’t want to write this letter, my visits to your grave was enough, but Hen and Maddie ganged up on me. You would’ve joined in, if you weren’t decomposing in the ground. I’ve been ripping this notebook apart for the past few days trying to figure out what to do. Amelia’s been taking the paper to doodle, and Maddie’s been trying to make sure Evan doesn’t chew it._

_I remember the first time we met, I was 9 and you had just turned 10. My mom and I had landed in a foreign land trying to escape my father. Our mothers hugged and cried while we stood there. I was so scared in a new place, hunching in on myself with my hood up, but you. You tapped me on the shoulder and gave me your toy. I didn’t want it at the time, but I took it, and you smiled so brightly that I couldn’t say no._

_You smiled and showed me how to play with it, moving the mechanics and playing with the lasers it came with. Then you took out another toy and we made up battles with our minds all the way home._

_I remember going to elementary and middle school together. We became the class clowns, partner’s in crime, born from a transformer toy in an airport. Our teachers called us twins, saying that we were stuck at the hip. The local coffee-shop became our hangout spot, by that time, the cashier knew our orders and names from memory. I always got too many pumps of espresso, and you said I would develop an addiction, and I just grinned. Oh, by the way,_

_The owner still remembers us, you and me, asked me “Where’s your partner?”_

_I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t go back._

_I remember the tub._

_My mom’s heart stopped beating two months before. I had locked the small apartment that my mom and I had shared. I sat in the tub swallowing the entire bottle of pills with a cheap bottle of alcohol I swiped from a store. You didn’t even have a key, didn’t even need to help me. But you did, you slammed the door open with a bang, and forced me to throw everything up. You sat with me as I cried into your shoulder, and punched the ever-living hell out of you, begging you to let go and let me die. And you sat there with me and I don’t know why._ _Sometimes I wish that you didn’t save me , sometimes I wish you left me to die._ _I moved in with you and the Lee’s, and we went from partners in crime to brothers. Every time I cried, broke down or wanted to give up, you were there. You were there to help me and I too this day don’t know why._

  
  


_I remember prom. We both hated our grade so much with a vengeance, even though all the girls wanted to ask you out, you said no to all of them. For weeks, people called us f*gs and that real men go with ladies not their friends._  
  


_I wish i had that type of courage like you_

_We went as friends and got drunk on cheap beer from the 7-eleven. We staggered under the bright street lights to the pick-up, Mr.Lee got you for your 16th birthday. You and I , we planned out our futures, we were going to become businessmen, with a wife and 2 kids. We made a pact to name one of our kids after the other, but at least I got to hold up my end of the deal , with my little boy , he says hi by the way. You said you always wanted to become a firefighter , but it would never work out in LA of all places. I was going to go into sales , and you were going to go into stocks , but we never got that chance. We took scraps of paper and wrote down our ideas , and to this day they’re in a bent box sitting in the back of my closet._

_I fucking hate you , and it’s so goddamn selfish of me. We were planning out our lives that night, and you never got it. You , stupid self-sacrificing idiot , why did you have to risk your life? Why did you have to get killed so close to my mother’s birthday? It’s so selfish of me to risk a pregnant woman’s life , just so I could save you. I would do anything to get you back …._

_I still have the fucking toy , the transformer toy. It’s old and rusted from moves and smashes against walls but the mechanics still work. Evan loves it , and I still fucking cry whenever he plays with it ._

_It’s so irrational for me to be angry at a pregnant woman, I barely got through Maddie’s pregnancies. We fought so much, and I’d blame it on her hormones but I know it’s because of me. I’m still angry at a mom who couldn’t get down the stairs, I’m angry at a baby that carries my name. I’m angry that she couldn’t get down, and neither could you. And I would trade anything for you to just……….come back too me._

_I can’t look at my badge , even when I pin it on. I feel revulsion at wearing your murder weapon. The badge that killed you, if you never wore the badge, you would have never died. I wish I never convinced you to join, wish you took it as a bad idea that you said I always had._

_I still flinch at the mention of your name, how stupid is that?_

_How stupid is the fact I’m still not over your death, even after a decade?_

_I wish I could scream at you for dying on me , for dying on the Lee’s._

_I wish we never met at the airport as kids because then you would’ve never known me._

_And you would’ve never fallen into that fire._

_I wish you let me die in that tub._

_I hope you and my mom are having a fun time in heaven together,_

_Howard_

**Author's Note:**

> that was angsty 
> 
> uh so this collection is going to be multi-fandom , mainly DBH , 9-1-1 , SVU , and One Chicago. 
> 
> also made myself cry like six times writing this


End file.
